By Laura O'Reilly
My Experiences with Vipassana
My first Vipassana sit was intimidating & uncomfortable. My perception was coloured by a variety of stories from people I’d met who’d shared their previous experiences. I went in prepared to suffer, expecting something dramatic….and, in hindsight, I may have manifested just that.
I tried so hard, maybe harder than I should have, to adhere to every suggestion. Most nights I struggled to sleep and during the day I would find myself trying not to fall over as I slipped into sleep in the meditation hall. I wanted to do my best regardless of what I was feeling. I wanted to do it “right” and be a “good” student.
Two things kept arising for me: Discipline and Discomfort. I didn’t find this particular method of meditation enjoyable. I struggled with the intensity of being awake but sedentary for long periods as well as with a lack of sleep. Night 3 I cried so hard I worried I might have to leave as I was scared I’d disrupt my roommates’ experiences. Day 4 I experienced dreadful flashbacks to repressed memories of things that left my skin crawling. By day 7 I had transitioned into belligerence.
It’s a funny thing to watch yourself vacillate between “awesome, I’m excited for this, Enlightenment here we come!” to “this is crap, pure propaganda, I’m so over it!” I got a crystal-clear view of how I handle various situations as well as how I treat myself during each one.
While the discomfort was challenging I absolutely LOVED the silence. I LOVED being in community and sharing an experience without needing to comment on it. I LOVED feeling a part of it without any social obligations. I loved being authentic and having my experience while not judging or comparing it to anyone else’s. I didn’t notice who was sitting where, nor could I have told you what most people looked like. While we were not actively interacting, we were holding space for each other and I felt supported by the unity of the group’s presence. Despite its challenges, it’s an absolute gift to sit with yourself without distraction.
The most common reaction I get is WHY? Why would you participate in this? What’s the point? What do you get out of it? I won’t attempt to quantify, explain and prove the value of sitting. But I can share my intentions and motives. I did it because I thought it would deepen my spirituality. I thought it would help cultivate my connection with what I call God, the Universe or my higher Self. I did it out of curiosity — I’d heard so many stories that I wanted to have my own first-hand experience. I did it for growth. And I did it for me.
It took some time for me to feel "normal" again after my first sit. I felt quite sensitive, exposed and mentally disturbed for a couple of months after returning to my usual routine. I considered therapy and sat in judgement of the process for a while, deciding that it wasn’t a great fit for me. As time and space passed after my first experience, I began practicing vipassana simply out of habit. I don’t sit for hours each day, but I am committed to daily sadhana and it’s great to have another practice to explore.
I returned 11 months later for my second sit, this time only doing the 3-day course. My experience was entirely different. I quite enjoyed it. I slept much better. I practiced with more ease and, most importantly, I found I was much kinder with myself the second time round.
My first sit I watched my thoughts and feelings like an explosion of fireworks in all colours and directions. My second sit I was highly focused (or perhaps hung up) on two very specific life situations.
In the future, I intend to return annually as it grounds me and helps be shed some of the foolishness that I wind up thinking is important in daily life. I’d like to say my intention to return is one of service, however, I think it’s just for me. And, if I’ve learned anything from my first two courses, it’s to have no expectation for the third.
You see sometimes I feel my spiritual endeavors are a chase. A chase to feel more connected to God, to be at ease or to know that, regardless of what’s happening, everything is exactly as it should be. There have been periods of my life when I’ve felt all three of these intensely and, as life did it’s thing, I felt safe through all of it, even when I had no foreseeable stability. And so, I started craving being in this perfect faith 110% of the time.
But lately I’ve reconsidered this. I think I’ve got to feel ALL the feelings. The fear, the variety, the lack of control. Being fully present for these emotions is a gift and the practice of vipassana is just that. Observing, being with and making space for whatever arises without trying to change, avoid or seek.
If you’re considering checking it out, I’d absolutely suggest making the time to have your own first-hand experience, with the caveat that your intentions are pure and that you are in good mental health. Don’t got with the intention to escape or cure anything. Go with an open heart and open mind. And forget asking others about their experiences, you will create your own.
Until then:
May all beings be happy,
May all beings be loved,
May all beings be healthy and
May all beings know peace.
My Experiences with Vipassana
My first Vipassana sit was intimidating & uncomfortable. My perception was coloured by a variety of stories from people I’d met who’d shared their previous experiences. I went in prepared to suffer, expecting something dramatic….and, in hindsight, I may have manifested just that.
I tried so hard, maybe harder than I should have, to adhere to every suggestion. Most nights I struggled to sleep and during the day I would find myself trying not to fall over as I slipped into sleep in the meditation hall. I wanted to do my best regardless of what I was feeling. I wanted to do it “right” and be a “good” student.
Two things kept arising for me: Discipline and Discomfort. I didn’t find this particular method of meditation enjoyable. I struggled with the intensity of being awake but sedentary for long periods as well as with a lack of sleep. Night 3 I cried so hard I worried I might have to leave as I was scared I’d disrupt my roommates’ experiences. Day 4 I experienced dreadful flashbacks to repressed memories of things that left my skin crawling. By day 7 I had transitioned into belligerence.
It’s a funny thing to watch yourself vacillate between “awesome, I’m excited for this, Enlightenment here we come!” to “this is crap, pure propaganda, I’m so over it!” I got a crystal-clear view of how I handle various situations as well as how I treat myself during each one.
While the discomfort was challenging I absolutely LOVED the silence. I LOVED being in community and sharing an experience without needing to comment on it. I LOVED feeling a part of it without any social obligations. I loved being authentic and having my experience while not judging or comparing it to anyone else’s. I didn’t notice who was sitting where, nor could I have told you what most people looked like. While we were not actively interacting, we were holding space for each other and I felt supported by the unity of the group’s presence. Despite its challenges, it’s an absolute gift to sit with yourself without distraction.
The most common reaction I get is WHY? Why would you participate in this? What’s the point? What do you get out of it? I won’t attempt to quantify, explain and prove the value of sitting. But I can share my intentions and motives. I did it because I thought it would deepen my spirituality. I thought it would help cultivate my connection with what I call God, the Universe or my higher Self. I did it out of curiosity — I’d heard so many stories that I wanted to have my own first-hand experience. I did it for growth. And I did it for me.
It took some time for me to feel "normal" again after my first sit. I felt quite sensitive, exposed and mentally disturbed for a couple of months after returning to my usual routine. I considered therapy and sat in judgement of the process for a while, deciding that it wasn’t a great fit for me. As time and space passed after my first experience, I began practicing vipassana simply out of habit. I don’t sit for hours each day, but I am committed to daily sadhana and it’s great to have another practice to explore.
I returned 11 months later for my second sit, this time only doing the 3-day course. My experience was entirely different. I quite enjoyed it. I slept much better. I practiced with more ease and, most importantly, I found I was much kinder with myself the second time round.
My first sit I watched my thoughts and feelings like an explosion of fireworks in all colours and directions. My second sit I was highly focused (or perhaps hung up) on two very specific life situations.
In the future, I intend to return annually as it grounds me and helps be shed some of the foolishness that I wind up thinking is important in daily life. I’d like to say my intention to return is one of service, however, I think it’s just for me. And, if I’ve learned anything from my first two courses, it’s to have no expectation for the third.
You see sometimes I feel my spiritual endeavors are a chase. A chase to feel more connected to God, to be at ease or to know that, regardless of what’s happening, everything is exactly as it should be. There have been periods of my life when I’ve felt all three of these intensely and, as life did it’s thing, I felt safe through all of it, even when I had no foreseeable stability. And so, I started craving being in this perfect faith 110% of the time.
But lately I’ve reconsidered this. I think I’ve got to feel ALL the feelings. The fear, the variety, the lack of control. Being fully present for these emotions is a gift and the practice of vipassana is just that. Observing, being with and making space for whatever arises without trying to change, avoid or seek.
If you’re considering checking it out, I’d absolutely suggest making the time to have your own first-hand experience, with the caveat that your intentions are pure and that you are in good mental health. Don’t got with the intention to escape or cure anything. Go with an open heart and open mind. And forget asking others about their experiences, you will create your own.
Until then:
May all beings be happy,
May all beings be loved,
May all beings be healthy and
May all beings know peace.
May All Beings Be Happy!
Laura O'Reilly