By Ghazal Bina
Vipassana was the most effective, deep and difficult course I have ever taken in my life. I cannot wait to do it again as it changed how I look at myself on a daily basis, how I practice yoga and how I live my life every moment. Thanks to my amazing teacher who shared her personal meditation experience with me sincerely and asked me to attend it without forcing me. She might have felt or seen something in me that had her lead me towards this wonderful path. Since I had a deep trust in her, I took her advice seriously and allowed my heart and mind to face the fear of being detached and silent for 10 days, to widen my horizon and open up a new door that had been locked for many years.
Vipassana was the most effective, deep and difficult course I have ever taken in my life. I cannot wait to do it again as it changed how I look at myself on a daily basis, how I practice yoga and how I live my life every moment. Thanks to my amazing teacher who shared her personal meditation experience with me sincerely and asked me to attend it without forcing me. She might have felt or seen something in me that had her lead me towards this wonderful path. Since I had a deep trust in her, I took her advice seriously and allowed my heart and mind to face the fear of being detached and silent for 10 days, to widen my horizon and open up a new door that had been locked for many years.
So as my 30th birthday present, I gave myself a trip to Nepal and submitted my application. Most vipassana centers around the globe get booked up very fast and I was very lucky to get accepted within a few days of the submission. I booked my ticket and travelled from Tehran to Kathmandu with my adventurous mum who decided to join me. I explored the city with her for a few days, which was very fun, then met my British friend, Rochelle in Pokhara (I met her in Kampot, Cambodia while we were both teaching yoga at a beautiful spa). Then, by myself, I finally headed to Lumbini, Nepal (the birthplace of Buddha) where my teacher used to practice and volunteer. I had chosen this location because I wanted to explore Nepal and also practice vipassana close to Buddha's birthplace.
I trusted my heart, I trusted my teacher, I trusted the path of yoga and meditation. I never had a single doubt about this wonderful and deep journey and, for sure, it was the best thing that I have ever done for myself in the past 30 years of my life. It was worth every second of it, with all its difficulties and challenges.
If I want to summarize the whole experience, I can say it is similar to taking a mental shower or having a surgery, a mental and physical surgery during which you face all the experiences, memories and emotions you have been hiding from others and from yourself. They will gradually find a way from your subconscious to conscious, merely by focusing and witnessing the breath and scanning the physical sensations that can lead to feeling the energetic body. This is the fascinating part about this course; the technique is so minimal and straight to the point but it is extremely effective and it gives you the golden key to open the door of your subconscious, which has been locked for many years or can stay locked forever.
Let’s look at the meaning of vipassana. What does it really mean? It means to see all things as they really are by merely observing the breath and body sensations to reach self-purification. Based on its definition and teachings, any dreams, fantasies, cravings, thoughts, sensations or analysis should be witnessed with equanimous attention and without any reactions or judgements. This can lead to eradication of the roots of our wrong doings and habits and catching the fluctuations of our minds (which you also experience it in a real yoga session when you are only focused on the breath while doing asanas). The best example of this is the ashtanga discipline, which is more of a breathing exercise than anything else. It prepares your body and mind, in the best possible way, to sit for a real meditation course such as vipassana. Ashtanga means 8 limbs, the 3rd limb is asana (poses), the 7th limb is meditation and last one is samadhi (stillness). Also, in the Iyengar yoga discipline, which is focused on paying equanimous attention to all parts of your body, one can get prepared for vipassana or a body scan as the practitioner pays equanimous attention to all parts of the physical body while doing asanas.
But let’s see how and when exactly one learns the vipassana technique. In the first 3 days of the course, the main attention is on witnessing normal and natural respiration as it comes in, as it goes out, which is called anapana. On day 4, you actually learn the vipassana technique by scanning the body & paying equanimous attention to all sensations and all parts of the physical body and any emotions or experiences rising up. Whether painful or pleasant, you merely observe them without focusing too much on them or getting attached. On day 9, meta (love and compassion) is practiced, which can work like a healing cream spreading on all the deep wounds you were dealing with throughout the course.
As an example of dealing with some old wounds, at some point during the course, I found myself in a very, very dark and scary room in my head (subconscious) where I had been hiding some of my childhood or recent experiences and memories, which I never knew my mind had hidden so artfully. They came to the surface gradually and even the smell or the feeling of the memories could be felt while I experienced some physical pain in my right hip and on my back. It is a very fascinating lesson to learn that hidden memories are connected to some physical pain that can turn into a blockage or a disease at some point in our lives. If one gradually observes and witnesses these memories, he/she will eventually accept them without suppressing them. The physical pain will also fade away smoothly, during and after the process of observation and acceptance.
One can get very frustrated and bored from time to time during these 10 days for many reasons, such as being far away from loved ones, phone, laptop, tv, books or notebooks — nothing but you and your breath, 2 meals per day, showering at specific hours and waking up at 4 a.m. It’s like taking yourself to a prison! But, it works perfectly, it works like a miracle, if you obey the rules and really listen to the instructions with an open heart. To sit by yourself, not getting entertained by anyone or anything, not getting distracted by phone and social media, not receiving or giving love and attention. These may be some of the reasons many people never take this amazing course or leave the centre without finishing it. But if you leave, you are escaping from yourself, from your dark side that you don't want to see nor accept, from hidden experiences and emotions that you never want to witness without reaction. If you leave in the middle of it, you will be left with some open and deep wounds which need to be healed. It is similar to leaving the hospital in the middle of a surgery, with open wounds, without any stitches or recovery. These wounds can make everything worse if they stay open. Hence, I have decided to be very honest when students of mine ask me about it. I inform them how powerful and difficult the course is and that once they decide to attend it, they better finish it.
Fortunately, I was so determined to finish the course before sending my application — whether it was my false ego that made the decision or my body, mind and soul that intended to finish this deep mental surgery. This is considered as self-determination or adhittana in the Pali language, which is another strong and deep lesson of this course. The teacher asks you to sit for 1 hour without moving, throughout which you learn to be strong and determined like a rock, not only during meditation sessions but also when you are going through tough times in your life. If you keep moving with every wind, you will not be grounded, stable and strong in your life. The wind can be fair and pleasant or strong and unpleasant. In either case, you have to stay focused, detached, strong, hopeful and determined.
For instance, whenever I feel down or upset, I either practice or teach yoga, watch a movie or listen to music. It was very challenging for me not to practice or teach for 10 days or to be far away from my phone and Sound Cloud. But this led me to come to these conclusions. Firstly, I am not allowed to combine different techniques together during the course, such as practicing yoga asanas, pranayama and vipassana all together. Secondly, I accepted my addiction to my phone and yoga practice. It can be a healthy addiction to practice yoga on a regular basis but still it is an addiction!!! I move my body and I get happy. What if one day I cannot move? Then can I still make myself happy?
Based on S.N. Goenka's instruction, we better pay equanimous attention to all mentioned cravings, addictions, expectations and sensations, not only during the course but also in everyday life by being present, in the moment and paying equanimous attention to any painful and pleasant experiences on a daily basis throughout our lives. Life can get so hard for anyone, at any point. It is our responsibility to find a way to enjoy ourselves while going through a tough time and also not to get attached to pleasant experiences as they are impermanent. Life is impermanent.
It is highly important to notice that, when you are bored at the centre, when you are counting hours and days until you finish the course, you come to this conclusion that these are the moments of your life and your breath has the ability to increase your concentration and bring you back to light, to the present moment — and the present moment is all you have. The moments you spend unhappy, unsatisfied and bored are the precious moments that will turn into hours, days, months, weeks, months and years of your life. So, you better find a way to become friends with your monkey mind and catch its fluctuations, accept how powerful it is to create stories or dramas, and enjoy every breath with presence and awareness.
Breathe and feel your breath because nothing beats the fluctuations of the mind more than witnessing your natural respiration and scanning your body sensations with an aware mind and an open heart. Your body is your home and it is a great tool to enlightenment, which is a mental state that anyone can reach. Buddha was not the only being on our mother earth who experienced samadhi. He rediscovered this technique more than 2,500 years ago. He reached self-purification with it, shared it, and S.N. Goenka kept it alive.
Let’s appreciate all their efforts that have enabled us to have access to this precious technique today.
Let's face our fear of being detached for 10 days and experience this deep course in order to beat the darkness that can control our minds and lives.
Let's accept our wounds, through which we can reach light and happiness in a natural way.
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu... May all beings be happy around the world!
Ghazal Bina
CYA-E-RYT550
Ghazal Bina
CYA-E-RYT550