My spiritual journey has been, and continues to be, a memorable experience. It has been a path that’s taken place alongside recovery and rehabilitation, leading me through self-discovery and acceptance.
It began approximately 5 years ago when I started experiencing absence seizures. This was completely unfamiliar to me, so they went on for some time before they were recognized as such and further procedures could take place. This was the beginning of the journey and it felt as though I was stepping out into the darkness of an unknown path. I was consumed with a combination of fear and preparatory thoughts for the worst-case scenario.
After the first diagnosis, the results of an MRI scan came in, showing a tumour in my left frontal lobe. This diagnosis was one of the scenarios that I had walked through in my mind, yet it still felt like a surreal blur that I would soon wake up from. I was not alone on this path in my physical body but spiritually I felt uncertain and on my own, with the darkness continuing.
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The tumour was initially seen as having benign characteristics, which resulted in me having some time to personally grow before the surgery took place. This is when my yoga practice began to deepen. I was focused and I was driven to concentrate on something other than the current situation. I remained in the dark at times, not fully accepting the situation as reality, but I also took small steps into the light – curious to learn and seeking something substantial, of which I did not know. I was living in a small town without a studio or transportation, so every day I would practice yoga for hours in solitude – gaining strength physically, emotionally and spiritually. As I continued, I was beginning to see light on my path.
I went for surgery 2 weeks before my 27th birthday. My sister shed tears as we embraced the night before. I felt there was no need to worry, I felt at ease and had a sense of eagerness to complete this and begin moving forward with other plans.
I woke up from surgery and, once again, felt as though my existence was a surreal blur. During surgery I had experienced complications involving bleeding out, having a clot occur to stop the bleeding, resulting in a stroke, leaving me unable to move the right side of my body. I woke up with an overwhelming mix of emotions – confusion, frustration, loss, fear and anger. I felt the light that had once shone on my path was no longer lit and I no longer had a sense of where I was going.
Once again, my yoga practice began to deepen – this time from a whole new starting point. I was motivated by the frustration, yet I also felt defeated by it. I could no longer stand in Tadasana the way I once had been able to. I recognized very quickly how I had been taking my body and its movements, in even what we see as the most basic postures, for granted. Once again, I spent hours practicing and reflecting. This time my focus was inward – gaining trust that this situation may have a purpose: learning patience as, every day, I felt as though I wasn’t achieving my goals; and acceptance of both the difficult situations that are faced in life and the reality of having goals I may never be able to achieve.
Through the years of recovery and rehabilitation, I have gained and I have lost. I have gained courage and trust; I have lost fears and doubt. What this situation has taught me on my spiritual journey is to have faith – whether it is believing that everything happens for a reason, believing in a higher power, or believing that the sun will rise tomorrow – believe something.
Today, I stand in Vrikasana, on my right side, with a cheerful grin on my face and a heart overflowing with gratitude.
Today, I stand in Vrikasana, on my right side, with a cheerful grin on my face and a heart overflowing with gratitude.
When you do your best and dedicate yourself to excellence, life supports you and puts wind beneath your wings. It sees a human being who is reaching for his ideals and trying to become what he was meant to be. That kind of effort never goes unnoticed by the eyes that watch over the world.
– Robin Sharma
Ashley Voth