Julia's Story
Throughout my life, I've always had a high anxiety level. It got to the point where it was one of the only emotions I felt. By the time I hit Grade 5, I really started to feel it. Every morning, I’d wake up to jitters and stress about going to school and that worsened as the years went on. By the time I got to Grade 8, I’d wake up feeling dizzy and faint about going to school. I couldn't speak to anyone and getting called on by the teacher made me feel like I was going to vomit. We thought I had blood sugar problems It never crossed anyone’s mind that I was dealing with an anxiety disorder. My anxiety disorder sparked many things including depression and suicidal thoughts, OCD behaviors, full on panic attacks and an eating disorder.
My Mom eventually found out about what was going on and I began a long cycle of being filtered through therapist after therapist. I never felt better after these sessions. In fact, I felt huge anxiety about even going to those appointments.
Months went by, and one day, during a private dance lesson, the teacher asked me if I'd ever tried hot yoga to help stretch out my muscles. I'd heard people talk about it and decided to give it a go hoping that I would at least get a good workout out of it. What I did get out of it was so much more! Walking out of that class all sweaty and invigorated, I felt a calm I hadn't felt in a long time.
There was some kind of magic I felt when I walked into the yoga studio. It became my hour of time when I didn't think about anything else going on in my life. I loved the physical activity of the class, but more than that, I loved the focus on breathing and calming the mind. Every therapist would tell me I needed to “relax and calm down” but never gave me any good ways to do that.
The yoga studio became such a safe place for me because it was my time to focus purely on my well-being with a group of other people who wanted to do the same thing for themselves. I always left rejuvenated and euphoric.
The more I heard about yoga and the history, the more intrigued I became, and the more calm I felt. I practiced on and off for the next 3 years, and as my anxiety started to calm, I felt like the next step in my life was to become a certified teacher myself. I found a program that interested me, about 2 hours away from my home, that ran 12 hours per day on Saturdays and Sundays and decided to go for it with the support of my Mom. For the next nine weeks, every Saturday morning we would wake up at 4:30 a.m. and drive that long stretch to begin the 12-hour day of learning. By the time we got to week two, my anxiety started to become a very apparent emotion. All of the information was becoming very overwhelming to me and I was having a very hard time focusing. By week three, I was feeling like I wanted to quit. My mental health was becoming an issue, I couldn't sleep, and I was feeling sick and dizzy all the time.
When I talked to my teachers about it, they were shocked that I was thinking of quitting. They gave me a long talk but nothing really stuck. Week 4 was again a challenge, but my teacher said something that really resonated with me. She reminded me that every morning I came a wound up ball of anxiety and stress, and I left every day relaxed and calm.
She explained how I think too much, and how all this thinking was driving me backwards. She explained about “chitta vritti nirodha”, which means the “cessations of the modifications of the mind”. She used the example of a lake, and how if there were waves crashing through the lake, the water wasn't clear but, if the lake was still and calm, you could see clearly into its depths.
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In that moment, I realized what I was doing to myself. I would carry these thoughts with me all the time about not being good enough, how I would fail, how everyone didn't think I could do it but, the truth was that I was doing nothing wrong. My thoughts were literally poisoning me from the inside out. I carried that concept in mind for the next 5 weeks, and things became much easier, though not without struggle.
I focused on that concept and found myself with less anxiety, which reminded me, daily, how important yoga is in my life.
I am a certified yoga teacher at 17 years old, and while it didn't come without challenge, I am so grateful that this is the path that life has taken me on. I encourage everyone to really pay a lot of attention to their mental health and well-being and to really take care of themselves.
I believe that without yoga I wouldn't be so far along in figuring myself out as I am now. I do think that anxiety will always be a part of my life, but, right now, I barely notice it at all most days. I don't choke when talking to people. I can get things wrong and that’s okay. I don't have to be perfect and I feel like I am finally coming into myself.
I can't wait to pass on the practice to others, and I hope to be able to help others calm the waves in their lake too. The cessation of the modifications of my mind is something I need to focus on every single day, but every day, the waves calm a little.
I encourage everyone to practice yoga, no matter what age, and I wish everyone the best on their journeys through life. Namaste Julia Rowe |